#41 Reverse-Kidnapping

Send the little ones away. You love ‘em, yes, but that doesn’t change the fact that caring for them is probably the number one reason your Nearest and Dearest isn’t your Sweetest and Sexiest so much right now. So reverse-kidnap them! Pay a ransom to grandparents, a family you’re close with or a summer camp to take them on for an extended period, so you two can get it on, for an extended period.

#42 Redecorate

Some women think it’s sexy when a man gets his interior design on. Send a clear message with the purchase of… a new couch! If this focal point doesn’t get your point across that you’re desperate for intercourse then at least you have the chance to blackmail her with something too heavy for her to move out by herself. Your demands: the couch stays unless it’s replaced by another vagina.
 

#43 A Message in the Sky

Skywritting. Yes. You can get that desperate. The call or text you make for her to look out the window at the sky will be something you’ll both never forget, no matter what the response is. If it works, it may be the most costly sex you’ve ever had, but it could also be the best. Plus, you’ll have the heroic satisfaction of knowing you may have made several hundred other fast-thinking men steal credit and get lucky with their sweethearts. 

#44 Nothing Says I Want You Like…

…Wearing her panties? Okay, maybe this is not for every couple, but make no mistake, she’ll know you’ve got sex on the brain when she sees your “grapes in a sling” rendition of her thong. She just might be a little confused and dismayed about what kind of sex.
 

#45 Lewd Call

Hold your breath before you call so you’re already breathing heavily when she answers or the voicemail beeps. Start whispering all the nasty, dirty, sexy things you want to do to her. Don’t worry, she’ll know who it is with the caller ID functions of just about every phone these days. And if not, then at least you can swoop in later and comfort her in her distress as she tells you about the freakazoid who assulted her on the phone. And by comfort I mean have sex, of course.
 

#46 Sex Marks the Spot

A good treasure hunt is exhilarating and romantic. Make a “treasure” map with a dotted line to an X marked in your backyard or, if you don’t have one, a really open-minded friend’s yard. Leave the map where she will find it FOR SURE, but where any kids you may have WILL NOT. Grab a sleeping bag and use that same open-minded friend to bury you naked in the ground with an X marked in flour or talc over the loose soil covering you.

(Make sure to use the sleeping bag so you’re not covered in grass, dirt clods and worms. And make sure your head is above ground so the treasure she discovers is still alive when she finds it.)
 

#47 Beg

Get down on your knees and beg. Pull down frantically at the fabric of her clothing for added effect. Look! It’s really got a bad name, begging does. It’s worked off-and-on for thousands of years! So, give it the old “everything else has failed” shot. You will completely forget losing a little dignity by the time you are melting into your pillow, breathless and totally, blissfully spent. And if it doesn’t work, you’re probably going to be thinking too hard about sex still to fit in much self-loathing or embarrassment.
 

#48 BARRY FRIGGIN’ WHITE!!!

I’ve said it four times before in all the previous parts of 50 Ways to Nudge your Lover and I’ll say it again! Barry friggin’ White, people!!! But since we’re at Defcon Desperate, try installing a wireless surround sound system throughout your entire home and turning the volume up to 11. Don’t worry if you break off a knob getting there, that means it’s working.
 

#49 Tattoo

Sexual tattoos are for life, but the chances are you’re probably going to be interested in sex for about that long, sooooooo… I didn’t say these ideas were great or even good! Look in the title! Can you say “HORRIBLY DESPERATE,” boys and girls? Just make sure the tattoo is classy.
 

#50 Time Travel

You don’t actually have to solve the mystery of time travel. Just buy or rent a Delorean. Now, screech up to the house, rev the engine or crash into some trash cans to get her attention. When she comes out, scramble over and grab her by the arm, explaining as you drag her to the car that you two need to go back to the past, when you two had sex more often. She’ll probably think the performance is so odd and romantic and amazing that she’ll want to see if she can get 1.21 jiggy-watts in the cramped “fluxing capacity” of the stainless steel sports car.
 

#31 A New Outfit

When she unwraps the tissue paper, stand back. Results may vary. You’ve bought her a costume! Wonder Woman, Cat Woman, dirty Pocahontas, a slutty meter maid, whatever the costume store has for women, they’re pretty much all slutty. She might not wear it, but she will certainly understand that Tarzan wants to swing in Jane’s jungle.
 

#32 Sexual Healing

A little while after complaining of a twitch in your muscles, tell her that it just reminded you of an article you read that said backed-up semen can cause muscle twitches and ultimately lead to cancer. Don’t worry. If she goes on the Internet to verify this, she will find it. The Internet now has every kind of bullsh*t that can be conceived.
 

#33 Movie Moments

The power of film is undeniable. You can unleash that power by recreating it. Beware though, it is awesome, skin may be clawed with passion. If your girl is sweet on films like Sixteen Candles, after the little one has finally passed out, put on the song If You Were Here and just sit on your dining room table with a burning cake between your legs. Or if your girl is more into a film like Ghost, put on Unchained Melody from the Righteous Bros., glue a penny to your finger and walk towards her slowly and purposefully. You will not believe the reaction.
 

#34 Standup Comedy

Sometimes the best prelude to foreplay (fore-foreplay?) is laughter. Most one-liners will sound like cheesy pick-up lines that would make most women itch to face-punch someone, but when you’re well passed the point of pick-up lines and dating, it’s comedy. “I DON’T have a pistol in my pocket, I am just happy to see you.” Taking off your clothes, you say, “Wow! Is it hot in here!?! Or is it just you?” If you don’t get any laughs, or worse, get the I-am-not-amused stare, tap your crotch and say “(Thump thump thump) Is this thing on?”
 

#35 Cootie Catcher

Remember? This is a game kids create out of folded paper that tells your fortune. One player asks a question, and the other finds the answer by manipulating the cootie catcher’s shape. But when you create the cootie catcher, write “You will have sex tonight” as every option, for every question. She’ll know you’ve got a bad case of cooties that you’re dying to share with her.
 

#36 Fortune Cookies

Speaking of fortune telling! Get a little arts-and-craftsie here. Order Chinese, but set it up by putting a set of tweezers to good use and replace the fortune with a custom message. “Tonight you will have wild sex.” Someone might just get Mu Shu Porked tonight. In bed.
 

#37 The International Language of Barry White

Il n’a pas d’importance quelle langue vous parlez.
Non importa che lingua parlano entrambi.
Es spielt keine Rolle, welche Sprache Sie beide sprechen.
No importa qué idioma hable tanto.
It doesn’t matter what language you both speak. BARRY WHITE!
 

#38 Actual Dirty Dancing

Sign up for dance lessons. Trust! There are so many provocative styles out there to choose from, traditional styles of sensuality in motion. BUT! There’s also Dirty Dancing, the Lamabada and other naughty dance maneuvers you gan get your groove into. When you’re practicing, just look in a mirror and tilt your head to the side, if it looks like you’re making stylish love, then you’re on the right track. You’ll probably wind up dancing the horizontal mambo, or if you’re into it, the conga line for two.
 

#39 Choreplay

Reasearch has shown that some moms that want to jump off a bridge because of all the work and mothering they have to do experience an upsurge in sexual… willingness, when they get help from their man. Dishes, trash, cleaning, diaper changes, anything! They want a break from the wanting-to-jump-off-a-bridge-ness of it all. Give it to them! Have a look at the last segment in a Spicemance video we created that gives a pointer to men. Who want sex.
 

#40 Puppet Show?

Yes. Everyone loves a puppet show, right? Grab a cardboard box and three socks. Cut out a hole in both sides and the bottom of a box that will easily fit on your lap. Use a magic marker to put eyes on the actors of the play, dress them up as you see fit. Even if it doesn’t result in sex, as long as your star performer can stand up on stage, you’ll have a life memory between the two of you.
 

#21 Flatter the Senses

Don’t just tell him how sexy his arms look when he’s grunting over a stubborn pickle jar, men need multiple sensory input. Walk up to him and caress his guns (even if they’re just pee-shooters). Make eye contact so he can see you’re impressed. Toss your hair so the fragrance of it wins out over the pickles. Pour it on! THICK! You should have his attention by now, so set the jar on a counter and grab his pickle…
 

#22 Love Something you Hate

Pick the thing he most loves that he knows you most hate. The wider the chasm the better, so he’ll know it probably has nothing to do with his music, beverage of choice, sports, favorite movie quotes or video games. It’s all about softening him up for sex.

Example: when he’s glued to Skyrim on his gaming station, walk in front of the screen wearing only an arrow duct-taped to your knee and say, “I used to want to bed an adventurer like you, then I took an arrow to the knee.”
 

#23 Sugary, Spicy and Everything Naughty

When men make inanimate objects or food goods into sexual re-enactments it’s lewd and nasty. But when women do it… well, lewd and nasty works on men.

(See “My Wife Just Said…” #8)
 

#24 Be Statuesque-ish

Talc. Flour. Grease paint. Just turn yourself to marble and stand there, posed. A symbol of classic beauty chiseled out of marble. Naked marble. Pubic hair and fig leaves are optional. When he comes home or walks into the kitchen, be still and unresponsive until he touches you.

(If you’ve got kids just be sure to make arrangements that they don’t accidentally stumble in on your private art exhibition.)
 

#25 The Dirty Rosetta Stone

Some women get uncomfortable about dirty talking. Stuttering and nervous giggling ruins the moment. But what if you learn to say it in another romantic language? Right!?! Kind of bypasses all of that! You’ll be able to smoothly say, “F##k me until the sun explodes, and so hard and hot that it won’t matter,” sounding sultry AND sophisticated.
 

#26 Seal in the Freshness

Plastic Wrap. Use a whole role and your imagination. Yeah, you may have noticed nudity is a recurring theme here. This is to nudge men here, ladies! You can probably put away the romantic candlestick doilies if it’s sex you’re after.

Note: Women who are a little too self-conscious can use aluminum foil. Especially those of you who have guys that are way into sci-fi or baked potatoes.
 

#27 Wink

That’s all. Wink. Really that’s it! It’s been sexy forever. If you do it right, at just the right time, you’ll have wolves howling outside your house. Just channel every amp of sexual energy you have into it so that lightning nearly arcs from your lashes. It’s a slow and steady “love me so hard that I’ll regret this wink” kinda wink.
 

#28 The Return of the Barry White

“Even for women to men?” ESPECIALLY! You have to realize that when a woman puts Barry White on for a man, it’s 5 times as potent! There had better not be any expensive furniture or closed doors between you two and the bedroom. It will not survive.
 

#29 Book Learnin’

Go to a used book store and pick up as many sex-related books as you can afford or carry. The Kama Sutra, “history of sex” books, sex position books, Sex for Morons, etc. Leave them in your bedroom and personal bathroom, safe from your kids, but where your man will surely discover them. He’ll get what practical application you’re interested in for the studying you seem to be doing.
 

#30 Boobs in a Box

There’s a comedy bit that Justin Timberlake did on Saturday Night Live called “D##k in a Box” that went a little viral. It was generally considered hilarious because of how crass and vulgar it was. However, when a woman pulls a “Boobs in a Box” on her man, it’ll be the gift that keeps on giving. Well, for 15-20 minutes at least (on average). And I’m not talking about the two of you “laughing” each other’s brains outs.