I dig me some pork.

Lucky for me, the pork people dig me back. And they want me to impart some pork knowledge on you in the form of an original recipe for rack of pork. Rack of PorkWhat’s a rack of pork, you ask? It’s a hunk of pork chops, stuck together. Given that fact, “take a rack of pork, add fire” would suffice as a delicious recipe. But then they would probably cancel the check they sent me (that is called a disclosure statement creatively crafted into a conditional musing), so instead I’ve been using that money to experiment with lots of pork, cooking implements, indulgent ingredients and spices. In fact, there’s some pork roasting in my oven right now. Did you know that pork lovers prefer the scent of pork over Glade for their homes 10 to 1?

Once I perfect the recipe next week, I will have a video for you.

In the meantime, pick up your very own rack of pork at Costco in honor of Pork Month and get $2.50 off for the rest of October. It’s this week’s featured cut. This past weekend, I was too lazy to brave the lines at Costco to get my experimental rack of pork, so I went to every other supermarket to find it. No luck. That’s why I am roasting a loin roast right now. Don’t be a pork dolt like me. Just go to Costco. While you’re at it, pick up a 3-pack of guitar amps, just because you can.

One more thing before I go. The three-year-old me wasn’t too far off. Did you know that the USDA recently revised its recommendations regarding safe pork temperatures? Turns out you don’t have to cook your pork into a smoldering brick in order for it to be considered safe for consumption anymore. In fact, a little pink is actually ok. Just cook your pork to 145 F, let it rest 3 minutes, and you’re good to go.

Hey, piggy. Does it feel hot in here? Like perhaps 145 degrees?

What they are doing is making me a member of the Vicks Blogger Brigade. Last year, it was all moms. This year, they needed some dad representation. Not only because today’s dad knows a little something about taking care of sick kids, but their ad campaign will feature their first ever “VapoDad.” He’s a celebrity who also happens to be a great dad (well that narrows it down quite a bit, actually). If famous dads taking care of their little ones does it for you, you might want to check out Vick’s Facebook page on October 25 when they reveal who it is.

If unfamous dads taking care of their little ones is more your thing, stay tuned here for the next 6 months, as I chronicle the snot, sweats and tears of cold and flu season, armed with a laptop and a tub of Vapo Rub.

Believe me, I have the street cred for this gig. Did you know I once quit a job over Fury getting sick? A few years ago, I took a sick day from work so that I could stay home with Fury when he had the flu. The next day, my boss called me into his office and reamed me for it. How could I take a sick day when I wasn’t even sick? If the other employees found out that they could take sick days for their sick kids, then no one would ever come to work! Then he said he would let it go this time, but I had to make alternate arrangements the next time. My alternate arrangement was to walk out and never come back.

I apply sideways

Don’t tell me I’m not gangsta when it comes to taking care of my sick kids.

VapoRub. Represent.

Peace.

This year, they recognized my forte and invited Fury and me to a preview night. For Food Media.

Free beer. Who said blogging would get me nowhere?

Fury started his own blog recently and has already internalized the first rule: always have a camera at the ready.

As we sauntered up to the sign-in table (VIPs saunter, FYI), I was handed my badge and Fury got his. His said “Guest” on it.

Here’s the disclosure part: the people on the Rogers Ruder Finn PR team are the nicest people around. That’s all I really need to say. I already mentioned the free beer.

Let’s eat!

This is a Korean-Inspired Taco from the Calbi Truck.

You kind of have to get around the ravenous kid to see the actual taco. So here’s a picture of the truck, instead:

The whole Korean-BBQ-meets-Mexican-fare thing has been wildly popular in Los Angeles, because it is a culinary combination that works. Also, Koreans and Mexicans. While the Calbi truck isn’t the first on the block to do this, I’m happy that there are alternatives to waiting in line for 90 minutes to get your Korean shortrib taco on. Because when you invest an hour and a half of your life in a food truck, it leads to this (yes, I ate that ALL in one sitting. Then hibernated for the winter).

Next, Cheesecake-on-a-stick. I have a personal rule: never pass up any food on a stick.

I wish I remembered the name of the vendor, or took a picture of the stand. I tried Googling it and still couldn’t find the name. My bad, but I tried.

This was Fury’s favorite: the Nutella Crepe from the Crepes Bonaparte Truck.

While it is healthy to indulge, I also feel that it is very important to eat some vegetables at every meal. I think the Chimichurri sauce on that pulled pork slider from the Piaggio Argentinian Food Truck has green in it.

This is Piaggio himself. Thanks for the veggies!

And now, the reason why so many people go to the LA County Fair: Chicken Charlie’s! He’s the guy that has never met a food he couldn’t deep fry. I kind of worship this man. This year, Fury and I sampled his Fried Kool-Aid and Fried Ribs.

The Fried Kool-Aid is featured in the video below. As for the fried ribs, I really was kind of wary at first. I love ribs because they are fatty. Fatty is delicious. But even I would be afraid to dip that madness in batter and fry it without a large side of Pepto Bismol dipping sauce. However, I was pleasantly surprised. Chicken Charlie merely dusts the ribs with his own blend of spices, flour and cornstarch, rather than thick batter. That way, when you fry it, the ribs get tender inside and crisp on the outside, with no batter to weigh it down. Then, he slathers it with his own recipe tangy, spicy BBQ sauce to cut through the oil and fat. It’s really heaven. And this here was my personal moment of zen:

Chicken Charlie approves.

How did we end this night of sanctioned gluttony? By riding the mechanical bull, of course. It’s all in the video below. 

With tummies full of food and beverage, properly shaken, not stirred, Fury and I ambled (VIPs who have overindulged amble, FYI) back to the car. As we removed our badges, Fury made sure to point out “next year, my badge will say my name on it!” Aim high, blog boy!

Do you want to saunter in and amble out of the LA County Fair like a true Food Media Pro? Then just let me know in the comments below that you want to enter my drawing for a 4-pack of tickets (including a parking pass). The LA County Fair runs from now through Oct. 2, so even though I’m totally late on this post, there’s still time to enjoy it.

I will be in China for the next few days on business, and will try to figure out time differences and pick a winner this Friday night. My blog is banned in China (wouldn’t you do the same if you could?), but my comments are emailed to me, so it should be no problem. Unless they figure out I am BusyDad and give me work detail fixing up the Three Gorges Dam. In which case, it was nice knowing you. At least it’ll allow me to work off those ribs.

You know what else? Turns out I’m really bad at following my excellent vacation to-do lists. As a result, a bunch of people at work still don’t know I’m halfway around the world right now. Also… hello from the Philippines!

Why the sudden dedication to posting in a timely manner? Because the store I’m writing about really kicks ass, and they have a Father’s Day promo, and I know it’s too late to realistically promote anything in time for Father’s Day, but I hope they forgive me because I’m posting from a foreign land while on vacation, and that should score some points.

A few weeks ago, Ridemakerz invited the family to spend a morning at their store. This involved picking out any toy car we wanted, and then going nuts customizing every aspect of it with rims, tires, aftermarket add-ons and stickers. Kid. Candy store. Badass candy store.

Looking the part is half the battle. Getting ready to pimp our RIDEZ.And that’s pretty much the entire concept right there. But really, do you need more than that? Fury picked a Dodge Viper body, while I went with a Corvette. As did Lessi.

She’s a Chevy gal. I did good.What I really wanted was the Camaro body because that’s the car I drove throughout high school, but it wasn’t yet available to the public at the time of the event. They just teased us with a preview model, which I shot a picture of (it IS available now, along with cars from the Cars 2 movie).

Not exactly my ’84 Camaro, but almost as coolAfter that, we got to pick ‘chassiz’ for our vehicles, which we bolted on ourselves at one of Ridemakerz’ workstations, which are all equipped with timers for that pit crew experience. Fury picked a standard radio controlled chassis, and I went with the monster truck radio controlled chassis for my Corvette because I also wanted to make a truck, but they only had Ford F-150 and Dodge Ram bodies and the Chevy loyalist in me wouldn’t allow me to do that. At least Angry Julie high fived me for that.

Fury asked Larry all of the hard questions, which he answered without skipping a beat. Larry is ready for the big time!After a little building advice from none other than the “ZEO” of Ridemakerz himself, Larry Andreini, Fury went to work.

The pit crew experience totally makes it worth the tripLook at how fast and furious he isI’ve met and worked for a lot of CEOs in my day, and they all act enthusiastic about their company and the people they work with. But what makes Larry stand out is that he actually IS enthusiastic. And he loves what he does. Larry isn’t afraid to get his hands dirty and swap out a toy rim with his bare hands, or encourage a kid to throw a hood scoop on the hood, and an extra one on the roof, for that matter. If it looks good, it can’t be wrong. Fury is really good at internalizing advice, which is probably how his Dodge Viper ended up with a winch.

You never know when you have to pull another streetrod out of the mud.Of course, some streetrods were built to never get stuck in the mud.But that’s the point of Ridemakerz. You can pimp your Ride in a million different ways, and you can totally indulge the kid in you.

Pic courtesy of Angry Julie, who always manages to capture me when I’m happily doing immature things, which is awesome.

Although Ridemakerz isn’t yet a household name (because they’re currently only open in a few cities), if you happen to be close to one on Father’s Day, I highly recommend that you take advantage of their Father’s Day 2 for 1 special: build one Ride and build another for free. I love ties as much as the next guy, but there’s a certain satisfaction you get from applying a flame decal that you can’t get from anything else.

While I’m at it, here are a couple of other random Father’s Day honorable mentions:

McCormick & Schmick’s

There are a few reasons why I have a thing for McCormick & Schmick’s. First, my mom brings us there to eat every time she’s in town, so I always associate it with good things. Second, my buddy used to be the bar manager there and he brought me along with him whenever he did his alcohol run at the local wholesaler, which meant I got to buy jugs of booze for cheap on his permit, like when you borrow your friend’s Costco card to buy diapers. Third, last year McCormick and Schmick’s invited me to a blogger appreciation dinner, where I met the executive chef and enjoyed an evening of fantastic eats… and I never got around to writing about it. Guilt. The greatest motivator of all.

Anyway, they invited me to submit a paragraph on why I should win their Deserving Dad contest. If I win, I get 12 dinners for two on them. Only thing is, I hate pimping myself for contests so I never promoted it. Also, I’m not on Facebook and it’s a Facebook based contest. I think there’s one day left. I’m probably in last place. If you click over, I’d just like you to read my entry on why I love being a dad. No need to vote, just read it.

Also, if you find yourself at a McCormick & Schmicks this weekend, you should enter yourself in their Father’s Day Ultimate Golf Experience contest. You have until 11:59 pm EST June 19 to enter to win a 3-day golf trip to one of GOLF Magazine’s Top 100 Courses.

Oh, they also are giving away a $50 gift certificate to one of my lucky readers. I know you won’t get it in time for Father’s Day, but personally, I think anytime is a good time for raw oysters. Just mention in the comments below that you’d like to be entered into my drawing and I’ll throw your name in for it.

Wendy’s is doing good for foster kids

Did you know that my day job involves helping government agencies track the treatment of child abuse and neglect among Los Angeles County’s child welfare/foster care system? True story. So when Wendy’s contacted me about Wendy’s Father’s Day Frosty Weekend, I felt it was kind of my duty to pass it along.

On Father’s Day Weekend (June 18, 19), Wendy’s will donate 50 cents of every Frosty sold to support Wendy’s Wonderful Kids, which finds permanent homes for foster children. In addition, they will donate another 50 cents if you Treat it Forward (http://www.facebook.com/Frosty) by doing the following:

• Tweet using the hashtag #TreatItFwd
• Give a “virtual” Frosty as a gift
• “Virtually toast” your dad by snapping a photo of you raising your Frosty cup, tagging it with the words “Wendy’s Father’s Day Frosty Weekend”
• Tell friends about Father’s Day Frosty Weekend through the application
• ‘Check-in’ to a Wendy’s during Father’s Day Weekend using Foursquare and a 50¢ donation will be made.

Taking the guilt out of eating ice cream and tweeting? Sign me up!

And a very happy Father’s Day to you all! Now can I get my cocktail?

“Jim Lin”

The volunteer at the check-in table flipped through her clipboard a couple times before giving me the “are you sure?” look.

“Oh right, I must be listed at the celebrity tabl–”

That thought bubble of mine abruptly popped as she followed up with “are you on a list?”

“Oh, yeah. The blogger one.”

“Oh, the mom blogger list.” she concluded.

*mumble mumble* “yeah… that one.”

So, I didn’t enter Tony Hawk’s “Stand Up for Skateparks” fundraiser like a rock star. But at least Fury and I partied like a couple of ‘em.

Stand Up for Skateparks is an annual event that benefits the Tony Hawk Foundation, whose mission it is to build skate parks in underprivileged neighborhoods. To me, there is no single initiative out there that is more suited to keep at-risk kids off the streets than this. Skateboarding is cool. This isn’t macaroni art at the community center. Skateboarding makes you sweat. Kids today need to learn to move more than just their thumbs. Skateboarding can make you famous and stinkin’ rich. Let’s be realistic. That’s motivation.

Skateboarding is also badass. Which is why you’ll run into guys like UFC star Chuck Liddell.

Besides the fact that Chuck Liddell has been one of my favorite UFC guys since his debut in 99, this picture is all the more awesome because Fury finally got to meet the guy he used to imitate when he was 3. This is Fury getting his “rally-hawk” on when Liddell avenged his loss against Jeremy Horn in 2005.

New heroes, old heroes, they were all there. I’ll buy you a beer if you know who this guy is:

Give up? That’s Lance Mountain! He was one of the original Bones Brigade guys, along with Tony Hawk. When I was in high school, a bunch of us chipped in for a Bones Brigade skate video called Future Primitive, which we mail-ordered out of Thrasher magazine. We passed that video among us and watched it till the heads on our VCRs wore off. Now that’s file sharing at its best.

We also enjoyed free booze, free t-shirts, free booze, free hats, free booze, free granola bars, free booze, free stickers, free booze, free pizza, free booze, and got to try out Tony Hawk’s newest video game: Tony Hawk Shred.

Shred is similar in game play to Tony Hawk’s groundbreaking Ride game, released last year, but the graphics are more comic-booky and the tricks are way more fantasy-superhumanish, and you can snowboard (There aren’t many sure things in life, but I do know that last sentence I just wrote will never make it into the testimonial list on the Tony Hawk Shred commercial).

There was also an old fashioned photo booth. It was pretty rad. And I wouldn’t have written about that, except for the fact that I really love this set I took with Fury and I wanted to show you.

But the BEST part about the event? The part that I didn’t know until after I accepted the invitation? FREAKIN’ JANE’S ADDICTION performed. Arguably my favorite band in college. I was actually at the very first Lollapalooza concert ever (at Great Woods, in MA) when Jane’s Addiction headlined. But this time, I could actually see the band without binoculars.

Also different this time? I noticed whenever Perry Farrell dropped the F-bomb. And I cringed juuust a little bit. But after a while, the vigilant parent act wore off, and all of us parents just accepted this as one of those cool bad parenting moments you laugh (or blog) about later.

Perry himself put it best when he reassured the audience. “Don’t be like us when you grow up, kids. Grow up to be like Tony Hawk. Tony’s a good guy. We’re his weird uncle. This next song’s about whores.”

Because in the end, when you and your son can rock out to the same band, it’s a bonding moment that will never be forgotten. Also, the neck pain.

Also, pictures with weird Uncle Perry…

WAIT.

That’s not the coolest thing that happened. This was:

As Fury and I perused the silent auction, we noticed a gift basket for the show “The Office” which included a DVD set, T-shirts, caps, mugs and water bottles. I would have walked right by it, had it not been for the golden opportunity presenting itself. I had to do it.

You see, now I can say the following and it will be 100% verifiably true:

“I used to train in mixed martial arts. I beat Chuck Liddell.”

I have the receipt to prove it.

As the event came to a close, we gathered our stuff, paid for an auction item I didn’t think I’d actually win, and walked towards the exit. We managed to catch one more celebrity making his way out as well.

Thanks, Tony Hawk! You are indeed a good man. Fury has your book to read, your tricks to learn and your example to follow.

As for me? I’ve got my spoils of war. Sorry, Chuck. Better luck next year.

In my old(er) age, I’ve come to realize that the internet is more than that. Discussion forums can actually be useful. And perusing Pwned pics for this post still offers hours of entertainment. I also never get to the point until the middle of the second paragraph…

Or the beginning of the third. What I’m trying to say is that I’ve been selected to be a community leader in BlogFrog’s SoCal Family Connection online community. First, what is BlogFrog? Let me explain in my own words (I never use provided text, and I never learn my lesson…):

BlogFrog is a site where members can sign up and start or participate in forum-style discussions within “communities” that members start. But at the same time, it helps build a following for your other projects because your profile page provides more than just “OnlineStudBoy72″ and an avatar. It provides a feed of your blog posts, tweets and other activities too.

Recently, BlogFrog kicked off its own house-community, called SoCalFamily Connection, sponsored by Screamin’ Daily Deals. Why did I agree to do this?

• My work blocked Twitter and I need a place I can go be mundane.
• I haven’t yet mastered the #$%# Swype function on my droid so I avoid tweeting from my phone.
• When people call me leader, well, let’s just say I like it. A lot.
• As much as I call myself a Bostonian, I live in SoCal and should take steps to embrace it.
• Peer pressure. I’m a sucka.
• Screamin’ Daily Deals is a great partner. They are NOT influencing the discussions in any way. But they collect awesome discounts and donate part of the proceeds to schools. Of your choice. Win.

Also, I just got a new HD video camera and I like doing videos. And the other leaders asked me to do a video. Again, peer pressure, sucka, cherish admiration, the whole deal… Here’s a silent movie I put together that asks: What would parenting look like if we had no communities to turn to?

So, whether you’re from SoCal or not (the topics encompass many general parenting discussions too), join me, along with my fellow community leaders, for some insightful, useful and entertaining grown-up discussions. I promise to only post pwned pics once a week…

SoCal Family Connection Team:

1. Heather from The Spohrs Are Multiplying
2. Kelly from Just Spotted and According to Kelly
3. Sugar Jones from Sugar in the Raw
4. Angry Julie from Angry Julie Monday
5. Maegan from … love Maegan
6. Megan from Screamin’ Daily Deals

Disclosure: legalese… blah blah… I was compensated for being a community leader… blah blah… I think they were all virgins…blah blah… do not operate heavy machinery while using BlogFrog… blah blah… may experience loss of appetite… blah blah… always consult your doctor before posting a LOLCat… blah blah… except Hawaii and Alaska…blah blah… member FDIC.

I convinced 4. I was crushed.

That day, I doused my dream with lighter fluid, lit it on fire and stomped on its charred remains. I’m not good at dealing with failure.

Keep the above backstory in mind. Let me move onto the topic of the day: wipes. I’m thinking by now you’ve clued into the fact that I’m doing this campaign for Huggies. Before all this, I honestly thought “pfft. wipes are wipes.” In fact, right after the wipes Huggies sent me ran out, we went and bought some el cheapo ones. They ripped on me. Multiple times. Right as I was grabbing them out of our dispenser. Right when Lessi was pooping mid-change. I wish someone were there to take a picture of me every time I stood dumbfounded, one hand hoisting my baby’s legs, the other hand weilding a torn-off corner of a bargain baby wipe. FAILblog gold.

And the other day, out of the blue, d wife texted me wistfully about the days when we had the “good wipes.” The pain is real, ladies and gentlemen.

Huggies, you inspired me. Not only to wipe with confidence, but also to tell the world through advertising how good your wipes are. Today, my dream rises up from the ashes. Leo Burnett executive number 5, eat your heart out.

By the way, I’m giving away 5 tubs of the good stuff. If you have a baby or anything else you’d like wiped, leave a comment with a good poop story of your own. Or tell me how awesome I am at commercials. I’ll randomly draw a winner next week.

Uninspired nicknames aside, I like being a part of this family, and I do understand that with it, comes certain duties. The main one being working the family blog with my brother. Well, at least it’s not planting rice. All hail the digital age!

So, readers of the Lin Family blog, I’d like to drop some wisdom on you today. You may be smart grown-ups and stuff, but I know a thing or two about good living, because I don’t have a boss, a lienholder or kids. Also, I haven’t learned how to do a proper topical segway, so here goes.

A genuine smile can make someone’s day.

It can also cause a chain reaction. Especially if you tweet it.

Dads are great, but never as good as moms.

No boobies. Sorry dad, you lose.

Allow yourself to be mesmerized.

This dragonfly is awesome. It moves back and forth. It is colorful. And when it stops, all I have to do is cry and someone will make it move again. The basic principles of physics and social manipulation rolled into one. Fascinating. Which brings me to my next tidbit (oh, I’m starting to get this segway thing)…

To get what you want, sometimes you’ve got to make some noise.

You might get passed around a lot, but eventually someone will break down and carry/bounce you in endless laps around the living room at 4am. At least he got to watch 3 episodes of Dexter while doing it.

Fall asleep in the car. There is nothing better.

I learned that from my big brother.

No wait — a burp and a nap. That pretty much rules the world.

Case closed.

Poop (in a well-shaped diaper, no less) is love.

Ok, well, creation is love, but until I can churn out drawings that you can adoringly stick on the fridge, poop is all I got in that department.

p-p-p-pooper face p-p-pooper faceIn fact, just the other day, when dad had to fly to Boston, I showed him just how much I loved him by making a good-bye poop. I even timed it perfectly to when we had to rush out the door. He laughed, put down his bags and changed me while mom and Fury waited in the car. After he gave me a fresh new diaper I thought since he would be gone for a few days, another expression of love was in order. He looked at his watch, smiled once more and opened my second present and began to change me. This time I thought “how about one for the road?” I didn’t even bother to wait for the new diaper.

I’ve never heard the phrase “oh my #$%@ no %^$# way!” but I think it means “that’s the best going away present ever! You’re the best!”

Well, that’s all I got for now. I’ve only been around a few months. I’ll think up some more later. But first, I’m going to shop these gems of knowledge to a fortune cookie company. They may pay better than dad. 

[BusyDad covering his butt: I have partnered with the Huggies® brand to help promote Huggies® Little Movers Diapers. They paid me in cash and diapers, (which just sounds more like a ransom arrangement than a business one) in exchange for neglecting my wife to write about my experiences from my daughter’s point of view here and on HighChairCritics.com. Which, come to think of it, is who I should use that cash on, if I know what's good for me. My opinions and absurdity are entirely my own, because I'm sure Huggies isn't some crazy Asian guy punch drunk on parenting and lack of sleep.]

It isn’t pretty. It never is. Mostly because the worst offenders are always so cute. They fully distract you with their angelic cooing, full-cheeked smiles and tiny feet. Oh, the feet! And by the time most victims realize what’s happening, they’re a full arm’s reach and at least 4 seconds of unfolding time away from a fresh, tightly secured diaper.

Mid-Change Pooing. The grisliest of baby-on-parent crimes.

I was recently called in to investigate a code #2, and I want to give you a glimpse what goes on behind the scenes. Not because I want to shock you, but because this is a crime that the public needs to be aware of. We can’t just Purell our collective hands and pretend it doesn’t happen. In fact, listen out your window right now. You might hear the characteristic “eeeeeeewwwwwww. ew. ew. EWW. Honey? omigodomigodomigod!” that victims of this crime invariably proclaim as it is being perpetrated upon them. These were probably this victim’s final words — before he stripped off every item of clothing and bolted into the shower.

The surveillance footage we obtained from nearby closed circuit cameras was quite lousy. Luckily, the Google Street Maps Van exists. It never misses a beat:

Judging from the placement of the stains, I would estimate the origin of the poo to be roughly 6 or 7 feet to the left of this crib. However, there is a noticeable break in the pattern, indicating some sort of obstacle interrupting the poo flow mid-flight.

The above picture indicates that the crib got hit with an unhindered poo stream, almost mocking the diaper pail directly beneath it.

Too little too late. With his arm covered in poo, the victim is seen here trying to stem the flow. More out of reflex than any real hope.

I had seen this pattern before. And I had a hunch who the suspect might be. But I had to model the poo spatter to really break down what happened that day:

The spatter pattern on the side of the crib was forceful and unhindered, spraying in a downward trajectory. This tells me the perpetrator was diaperless the moment she struck. The continuous unbroken stream also indicates that the victim was unaware of any problems when this happened, or else he would have reflexively stuck out a hand or arm in a futile effort to “catch” the poo. He was most likely looking the other direction to grab a new diaper.

This spot is about 3 feet further from the original impact point shown above. I’m hypothesizing that upon realizing that a poo stream had begun, the victim tried desperately to lift the baby’s legs up to tuck one side of the new diaper under her. In doing so, he altered the angle and trajectory of the poo stream, thus sending it over the top of the rail and producing a perfect quadruple rainbow of poo.

Realizing the gravity of the new situation, as well as the baby’s gastro-pneumatic potential, the victim then valiantly attempted to redirect as much of the poo stream to the new, albeit hastily laid out diaper underneath the baby. The poo stream hit his arm at full velocity, sending a good amount of poo into the diaper, and a small but strip-worthy amount onto his PJs.

This baby had power. This baby was capable of recharging and reloading. This baby utilized impeccable timing. I have seen this baby’s handiwork before. Her name is Hannibal Lessi and she is on a mission to crush the Huggies Poo Free movement.

I don’t know where she’s headed next. All I can do is follow the trail and clean up after her. Good citizens, be vigilant. And carry plenty of wipes.

* * * * * *

What was this all about?

I’m one of the Huggies Wipes Ambassadors, aka Poo Free Parent Squad. To celebrate the fact that Huggies Wipes are the thickEST wipes (vs National Brands) they’ve dedicated an entire week to celebrate this essential superlative (at least when it comes to wiping poo). Throughout the past week, the entire Poo Free Parent Squad has shared posts that highlight the silliEST, funniEST, poopiEST, craziEST, cutEST aspects of parenthood and poop tales. Check out the rest of the ‘EST’ party on their Facebook and Twitter pages.

“I have been entrusted with a responsibility,” I thought. “Huggies has made me a Wipes Ambassador.” Ambassadorism is in my blood. My father was an ambassador. OK, so he represented a country with a GDP of $383.3 billion, and I’m reppin’ butt wipes, but still. There’s got to be a spectrum that exists somewhere that we would both fall under.

Because dammit, I’m good at this.

Look at my track record. I tell everyone who will listen that Huggies wipes are the best wipes I have ever used. They are strong. They wipe. What more could you want from a … wipe? Don’t ever underestimate the power of “strong” when it comes to cleaning up in aisle number 2. Ever have toilet paper rip on you? I rest my case. Huggies wipes are also the best “first pass” wipe I’ve used. Poop wiping isn’t like driving a zamboni. Going over the same spot twice doesn’t make it smoother. It just “spreads the peanut butter,” so to speak.

Technically my job here is done. As part of my ambassadorship, I was required to give you about 250 words of my honest opinion. But like I said. This ambassador stuff is in my blood. My dad never punched the clock at 5pm. He represented 24/7. He went above and beyond. And I owe you, and the butt wipe industry, a little more.

So, this campaign I’m involved in is basically a challenge for me to live “Poo Free” this summer. Huggies sent me a ton of wipes to help me achieve that. I determined pretty early on that this was futile. You cannot use wipes to curtail the “mudflap” upspray you get from a gaseous infant and loose diapers. That’s what blowout preventors are for. In theory. You cannot use wipes to curb a baby’s instinct to go free range fertilizer on you in that 5 second window between balling up the old diaper and sliding the new one underneath. In all fairness, living “Poo-mishap-reduced” was still a great improvement on my quality of life. And as every good ambassador should do, I began to think of other arenas in which these wipes might make a positive difference.

I had to start with the greatest need of all. Could I live “Lindsay Lohan free”?

My quality of life index just jumped 5 points.

What about “Animal Poo free”?

I may eat dogfood for your blog entertainment, but even I have a line.

Perhaps “Vegetable Free” because I hate them even though I’m a parent and should set a good example.

Mom will kill me when she sees this. But I have to say, success!

It’s always important to find substitutes for TV, so I owed it to myself to look into living “Television Free”

That’s supposed to be an origami crane. Ok, how about an origami cabbage? Asteroid?

Most of my day is spent at the office, so maybe if I could live “deliverables free” it would make life easier.

If only I had known it was this easy…

I’m trying to be a better eco-citizen. Perhaps if I tried to edge toward “Carbon Footprint free”…

Well, the car didn’t start. But I think that saved a tree.

I couldn’t make it to the Blogher conference this year. So while my blog friends were partying it up in NYC, I was home drinking coffee and writing this blog post. I needed to find a way to live “Not-going-to-blogher-tears free”

Stupid contacts.

Maybe Huggies will fly me to the United Nations someday.