If we treated each other with the same love and respect as we give the guy who made our cell phones, we wouldn't need Words With Friends. We'd be having Dinner With Friends.

Welcome to Cynical Dad, your daily source for mass animal deaths!I'm starting to get spooked.

You can add 100,000 dead fish to your 1,000 dead birds:End of days? Nah. God just hates Arkansas.

Imagine waking up on January 1st and finding 1,000 dead birds littering the yards of your hometown.Get your house in order, bitches! The end is nigh!

So there's been one of those big road paver things sitting at the end of my street for the past twenty-eight hours. I don't know the technical term for it -- it's that piece of equipment with the big rolling pin on one end of it to flatten things with....

You're like a turtle, man.No, seriously. You look like a turtle to me. A neurotic, little turtle.I could say something like "Break out of your shell, dude," but I don't want to get all meteoric metaphoric on you.Instead, I'll just let you know you look...

Sometimes I think it might be easier just to write down all of Olivia's Rules of Life and pattern your life from what she says.That'll do, pig. That'll do.

28 days ago, I turned 40.28 days later, I'm still alive.I had a hard time turning 40. So I decided to give myself a little present.I stopped smoking.Three days prior to turning 40, in the midst of my midlife crisis emotional breakdown, I decided that i...

I have been to the NC Zoo many times over the last 20 years. At least twice a year on average.I like the zoo. Today, I learned how to let a chimpanzee know that I am friendly. And it really worked!SPOILER ALERT!You just drag your knuckles across the gl...

It's Cynical Dad Day!Yeah, whatever.So this morning didn't feel any different than any other. I woke up alive. No new aches and pains. And like James said, I didn't start craving Metamucil.So there's that.However, I'm still having a hard time dealing w...