In a matter of weeks he’ll officially be a high school kid.

I know high school kids pretty well. I’ve taught them, lived among them my whole adult life. Which hasn’t necessarily made me a big fan, especially swaggering jock-y boys. Nor has it made me feel prepared to raise one of my own. But a year into it, I have to say that being the dad of a teen is pretty great.
On Saturday he would have preferred to go with his buddies see the local pro soccer team play, but he indulged me. I wanted to see The Avengers, and having a 13 year old son is about the only cover available to middle aged guys. After a Fandango Fail and a brisk cross-town commute, we settled in — 3D glasses in place, kegs of soda, Jacuzzi sized popcorn, a pallet of Goobers (the Snack Nazi passed on the trip).

The Avengers, well, you’ve heard by now. It’s fun. We laughed hard. We didn’t learn much. It was long and loud and just right for a couple guys like us.

It wasn’t quite time to turn in when we returned home, and we were hoping to catch an episode of Top Gear before bed. Kim was camped out in the front room, so we headed back to the bedroom. I got comfy. My big, hairy-legged son loped in and flopped on the bed. Then he curled up and put his head on my chest. Like he did when he was five.

I stroked his head and kissed his greasy adolescent hair and hoped to god my tears wouldn’t fall on him because I really didn’t want to have to explain my gratitude at that exact moment.

He still lets me tuck him in, which I did with some satisfaction feeling like whatever else I had screwed up, I was doing at least one thing passably well.

The moment didn’t last.

It only took one eighth birthday party to undo.

I hate birthday parties. Unfortunately, kids do not. Especially eight-year-old kids. I may hate them so much because my kids’ birthdays all fall on the first or last week of the school year (for Labor Day and Memorial Day, I have two words for you — pelvic rest).

My youngest child deserves two birthday parties. The second for all the times he’s gotten dragged along to somebody else’s game. Or birthday party.

And he certainly deserved a better effort from me.

I started by making a complete hash of Evite (I’m not the only one, right?). Which class list? What’s the teacher’s name again? I invited, re-invited, un-invited and reminded the un-invited. The resulting multi-year homeroom mashup didn’t gel on the kickball field despite game efforts from my oldest. The water slide was fun, but while I was chatting with adults, devolved into chaos.

The pizza was late. The icing on the cake was melted.

This time, the tears belonged to the birthday boy and nobody was Having a Moment.

His mom and I know what and who he likes. He doesn’t want the corporate party, the packaged deal with his homeroom. He wants something messier. He likes the community parties we throw. Kids of all ages, older and younger. But we stuck to convention because it seemed like less hassle.  It wasn’t, and although Coop was a good sport, he was a ruffled by the whole thing, disordered and really ready for bed.

We all went to bed a little frustrated.

And that’s my parenting summed up in a weekend. A win and a loss. The things that should be hard go easy; the things I have locked in I screw up. But the sun came up on Monday and everybody went to school. Later, there will be cocktails.

The director sweetly replied “oh it’s nothing, it’s ok.”

I turned and took Myers to the toddler classroom, got him situated and began to make my way back toward the front of the building.  Upon my second pass, the teachers were now huddled around the sink, jousting with plastic cups and some unknown adversary.

My natural chivalrous nature kicked in and I walked toward the scuttle.  Identifying the culprit as a rather large periplaneta americana, I pulled some paper towels from the dispenser, discretely “took care of it” and then disposed of the offending intruder in the thrash.  My aplomb at handling the extraction was such that the little ones had no idea of what just went down.  The teachers were thankful and gracious.  I felt like a prince.

“It’s funny”  the director said, “boogers, pee and poop, no problem. Bugs, ehhhhh!”

If you have ever been into a child care facility, you know there are lots of the offending trinity mentioned above that these fine folks deal with them everyday.  And let’s be honest, while your own child’s scatelogical output is not overly offending, the output of other people’s children is just down right gross.

So I salute all the wonderful people who care for our youngest of children while moms’ and dads’ nation wide go about the task of making a living.

But I especially salute those kind folks at Stepping Stone School who lovingly nurture and care for my own child Myers each and everyday.

One of the most difficult things a parent faces is leaving a child in the care of another, especially the littlest ones.  But because I know  that Myers is happy, safe and immersed in a fun and supportive learning environment it is not really difficult to walk out the door and into my day.

When Mom or I return in the afternoon to pick him up, he almost always has had a good day.

So thank you ladies, you are doing great work and I really appreciate that.

Slaying an errant water bug is the least I could do!

Now this post is sponsored by the Motorola Droid RAZR smartphone and while there might not appear to be immediate ties between Motorola and my youngest child’s pre-k school, I believe synergies do exist.

That would be the pursuit of excellence.

Indeed Motorola has a long history of pursuing excellence.  Harken back to their trail blazing work in the mid 90’s when they engineered the “flip phone” and ‘”clam phone.”     Remember those?  It’s amazing to compare the old flip and the new Droid RAZR.  We have come along way.

And Stepping Stone School pursues excellence everyday in nurturing and caring for the littlest ones among us.

Thus it’s really the same, whether you are choosing electronics or child care, choose excellence.

So there you have it.  A blog about poop, pee, boogers, bugs and phones!

You don’t see that everyday.

The standard answer here is pretty easy. Because of the provisions of the Children’s Online Privacy Protection Act of 1998 (COPPA), any site that collects personal information cannot offer services to customers under 13 years of age. As a result, almost any popular web site has clear terms of service that state that nobody under 13 can have an account — notably Facebook, Google, and iTunes.

Not that most people pay close attention to that.

So, of all the possible accounts, iTunes makes me the most nervous — all digital music does — a consequence of growing up when an album collection was a tangible thing. I live in constant fear that I’m going to suddenly and irrevocably delete my whole music library.

For my son, it’s the logical place to start giving him some ownership of his own digital life because that is where he has made the greatest investment (for my daughter it a was a Nook attached to her own B&N account, but that’s another post).

Until now, Bubba has used Home Share to move songs from my library to his (aging, highly restricted) white iMac. From there he has synched the songs, first to iPods, then to his hand-me-down iPhone.

I was worried that in the process of creating the new account I would: delete his existing library forcing him to reload everything, delete my library forcing me to jump off a high building, break his computer, break my computer, and destroy the internet. I admit, the music stuff makes my jumpy.

Setting up the account had a few twists and turns, but we got it done. We used his school email and my credit card to create the account, and pretty quickly got his computer iTunes and his iPhone switched over to the new account and synched. The songs he had imported via Home Share from my library didn’t disappear, and the internet didn’t break.

He knows that I will see any purchases he makes on my credit card statement, but the whole move is premised on trust that he will use this access wisely.

One minor headache — his older model iMac is not compatible with OSX Lion, so no iCloud on his desktop. A pain because he wanted access to the calendar that I keep of his sporting events. Our workaround — the shared calendars do appear on his iPhone, so he just tracks that info there.

A couple of months into the arrangement, I still feel pretty good about it. I expected to be peppered with requests for permission to buy music. Not so much. He mostly listens to Pandora. Instead he’s used the account to acquire quite a few free apps. This flies under my radar because I’m not being charged anything. And there are plenty of free apps that could help him to avoid restrictions or controls that I have set up (limited calls and texts, for example).

So I still have to ask him to turn over the phone from time to time, so I can have a look at the apps. Not ideal, but part of the process.

Do you have thoughts about the age at which you will begin turning over the digital controls to your kids?

Because I said so.

But have you ever considered your relationship to “because I said so?”

Is it a trusty club in your golf bag that you know you can always hit straight?

Or is it an ugly driver’s license photo, something embarrassing that you are forced to produce regularly in public?

Is it a tactic that would be upheld by the Supreme Court, or endorsed by the CIA?

Does “because I said so” plant your standard proudly snapping in the breeze atop the high ground, or does send up a ragged white flag of defeat?

Could you go a whole year without “because I said so?” A whole childhood? Should you?

I am contemplating the place “because I said so” has in my life because I have a tween who loves soccer. And a sister is who is getting married.

“She’s already married,” my soccer player correctly points out.

“True, but that was a small private ceremony, and this party is for all the friends.”

“But Aunty lives in California. Why is the party in Dallas?”

“It’s for Grandma and Grandpa’s friends, too.”

“They live in Marble Falls.”

I can feel “because I said so” welling up inside me.

“Can I sleep over at a teammate’s house? They invited me.”

“No.”

“Why?”

The moment of truth. A teachable moment, no less. One in which we could talk about the meaning of family — the joys and also the obligations that come with it. The place of sacrifice. And why even The Big Tournament is sometimes less important that a cocktail buffet 200 miles away, populated by people you’ve never met.

Or I could just go with Old Faithful and save myself a lot of verbiage.

*****

After about an hour at the reception, it becomes clear to my soccer player that there will be no DJ, jugglers, foam pit or fog machines. Genuine puzzlement ensues.

“Is this really what adults do for fun?”

“Yes.”

“Hunh. Well, can I at least have another piece of cake?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Because I said so.”

This post brought to you by Motorola Razr

And we’re giving one away on the live show, this Wednesday at 3pm ET — so tune in!

Yes I cleaned it up!

It appears that lots of sugar and the anxious excitement generated by partaking in a covert operation like toilet papering a house late at night puts adolescent boys into a hyper agitated state.

Who knew?

These boys were jacked up like firecrackers!

Having run out of planned activities and hoping to quell the WWE Smack Down going on inside the tent in the backyard, I had to come up with something.

Luckily Motorola had sent DadLabs a number of Droid RAZR phones for us to use in a Mother’s Day shoot.  They had just arrived the day before so I had access to multiple phones.  These were the sleek new RAZR’s pre-loaded with multiple apps and games.  The folks at Motorola touted their durability and scratch resistance so I decided to test these claims, as well as give this wild bunch of grade schoolers a 30-minute cool down period before calling lights out. For a digital midnight snack each kid got to play on a phone, as long as they were quiet and remained on their sleeping bag.

The boys were delighted and settled into a nice mellow gaming mode and the phones held up well in the hands of 9 year olds.  But the thing that amazed me the most was the ability of these boys to navigate the user interface of the phone.  None of these kids have phones and yet they were able to manipulate the device as easily as I do, and I have Droid!

Certainly some of this can be attributed to the simplicity of the Droid platform, but I felt something else was going on.

And then it hit me!

We truly are raising a generation that will blow our minds with the things they will create using technology.  As Malcolm Gladwell pointed out in the his book “Outliers,” it takes approximately 10,000 hours of doing a specific task or activity to become truly elite and an expert in that field.  Up to now, very few folks get to the 10,000 hour mark in any pursuit and usually it is not until much later in life.  Furthermore, there almost always exists some anomaly in an environment that allows an individual to log such hours in practice of a certain task. One of Gladwell’s examples is Bill Gates, who had voluminous and constant access to computers in his early teen years.

But as technology becomes ubiquitously embedded within our daily lives, our children will reach this threshold much earlier than any previous generation.  There will be lots of little Bill Gates running around.

So just imagine what wonders this “techxpert”  generation will create with the expertise they develop.  I am not sure we can fathom the pace of change that is about to occur.

This epiphany also helped me realize the extreme importance of teaching our kids the value of a balanced life.  All tech all the time is not a full life and as technology becomes ingrained in the day to day we must consciously work toward introducing and enjoying the no tech part of existence.  While not a completely new task of parenting, monitoring screen time is becoming more of an issue.

In this high tech world one of our crucial jobs as parents will be to do things like modeling strong personal relationships, stressing the importance of the act of just visiting face to face and introducing the wonder of the natural world to our kids.

After the 30 minutes of game time had passed the boys were calmed, I gathered the phones, declared lights out and sat on the deck and listened to increasingly waning conversation and giggles until all the fellas drifted off to sleep.  It took about 15 minutes.  Not bad, from pure pandemonium to deep sleep in the span of 45 minutes!

And as I sat there listening to snores and distant coyote calls I considered our new duty as parents and was pleased with the balance of life that had been achieved on this evening.  The boys really enjoyed the technology of laser games and Droid phones and they reveled in the camaraderie and excitement of toilet papering a cousin’s front yard.  But I imagined they really dug falling asleep, in a tent, in their buddies backyard listening to the soft gentle sounds of the woods at night and being 9 years old.

Our kids will amaze us with the technology they will create as we grow older; let’s make sure we amaze them with the simple things in life.

Disclosure:  Motorola provided all of the phones used during the evening and purchased additional Mother’s Day video content from DadLabs.com.  But the idea to toilet paper our cousin’s house was all mine!

Huge, and coming at you in 3D.

Not only did LG host Brad at the Final Four in New Orleans, but they’re also giving us a TV to pass along to you, DadLabs viewers.

And not just any TV, either. State of the Art. 55”. 3D. LED HDTV with Magic Remote.

As Brad can attest from first hand experience, these things are visually stunning.

Not only that, the upgraded 2D to 3D conversion lets you watch almost any video content in three dimensions. How cool is that?

So our entry requirements are going to celebrate that feature. To be entered to win the LG TV, all you have to do is drop a comment on this blog post describing the 2D video — movie, TV show, web or home video — that you think your kid would have the most fun watching in 3D.

Tell us all about what your kid would most like to convert to 3D and you’re in.

But that’s not the only way to get entered. Increase your chances and get a second entry by watching the live announcement of our winner on “Good News, Dad News” on Wednesday, May 2nd, 2012 at 3pm ET. In addition to giving away the TV, we will be featuring top dad blogs and bloggers, reviewing the week’s best posts, and taking a look at fatherhood in the news.

Joining us on the show will be C.C. Chapman, fresh from his trip to Ghana with the OneMoms campaign. He’ll fill us in on his adventure and give us a first hand account of the amazing work that One is doing there.

We look forward to seeing you on the show, and good luck!

For you hard-core geeks, here are the specs on the TV…

LG LM6700 CINEMA 3D SMART LED HDTV WITH MAGIC REMOTE

Cinema Screen – LG’s Cinema Screen technology limits the bezel to roughly 5mm, giving it an even more streamlined, modern look, while also providing a more immersive viewing experience.

CINEMA 3D – With LG CINEMA 3D technology you can experience movie theater-style 3D at home. Enjoy amazing 3D effects, comfortable, lightweight glasses, 2D to 3D content conversion, 3D depth control and a clear picture from virtually any angle.*

FPR CINEMA 3D technology provides a great 3D effect without the distracting flicker of active-shutter glasses and virtually no cross-talk.

Upgraded 2D to 3D Conversion with improved depth effect enables any 2D content to be seen in immersive 3D.

3D Depth Control lets you optimize 3D content to your personal preference by adjusting the amount of 3D effect applied to the content.

3D Sound Zooming offers users a maximized 3D experience with sound effect changing in accordance with the movement of on-screen objects.

Smart TV – A revolutionary, easy way to access limitless content, thousands of movies, customizable apps, videos and browse the web all set up in a simple to use interface. That’s what you get with an LG Smart TV experience, the next generation in entertainment organized within a simple to navigate platform.**
You can get premium content from providers like Netflix, Hulu Plus, VUDU and many others as well as access a one-stop-shop for 3D content called the LG 3D Zone and hundreds of applications in the LG App store.
Incorporating HTML 5 and Flash allows the Web browser to function as a full internet browser with video support.
The enhanced Smart TV dashboard is customizable so you can navigate and personalize the interface by putting your favorite content options right on the main page.

Magic Remote – Works like magic. Selecting features on your TV is as easy as the wave of your hand or using the wheel option to scroll up and down through menu selections. TV remote clicking is soon to be a thing of the past.

Additional Information
Model Number: LM6700
Screen size: 55”
MSRP: $2,299.99

Specifications, pricing and availability subject to change without notice

*For a small percentage of the population, the viewing of stereoscopic 3D video technology may cause discomfort such as headaches, dizziness or nausea. If you experience any symptoms, discontinue using the 3D functionality and contact your health care provider. 6 pairs of 3D glasses included. Additional 3D glasses sold separately.

**Wireless Internet connection & certain subscriptions required and sold separately. Content and services vary by product and are subject to change without notice.

UPDATED: WINNER! MCZWICK! Enjoy your LG 55″ Cinema 3D Television!

I hate to admit it, but for once you’ve totally nailed it. It’s true. Dads are idiots. Fathers today — totally clueless and blundering, yet forced into parenting ineptitude because our uber-competent wives are powering through the workforce. Well played, sirs. No hiding from you.

Recently, watching a commercial or gazing at an ad — it’s been like looking in a mirror! I feel like I could shave in one.

Maybe I’m generalizing a bit, but I know that I, for one, am a complete boob.  And I never shop. I mean, what’s a grocery store? Please. Did I mention that I have testicles? What would it say about me as a man if I were to go to a store and buy fingerling potatoes, broccoli and some sustainably raised tilapia filets? That I’m looking up recipes on the internet when I should be the primary wage earner, that’s what!

And I never purchase household products like bathroom cleansers, laundry detergent, glass cleaner, kitchen bags, drain opener, or dish soap. If I do buy them, I use them improperly. (Last week I brushed my teeth with the Swiffer! Oops!) Why would you want to associate images of guys like me with the products in your ads?

And my friends are even stupider.

I mean, sure, they know a lot about sports and stuff — and tech and business and cars and gadgets. But our heads are full. If you start appealing to us as parents, our brains might explode from the reaction with all the testosterone. Dudes like exploding heads, for the most part, but only in video games and movies (see below).

One thing I have noticed; when a dad does appear in an ad, sometimes they are depicted as being oafish. Good call! My wife knows I’m a complete buffoon and nothing motivates her to reach for her MasterCard more than a hilarious illustration of that fact. So if you are going to put us in ads, the more boneheaded, the better.

Now, I know that there are studies out there showing that more men then ever are shopping in grocery stores and helping with domestic chores, but rest easy — those are the gays!

Are you listening Hollywood? More dopey dads, please! This movie What to Expect When You’re Expecting looks really promising in that regard. Dudes with babies in front carriers — spit take every time. I think you’ve got a winner on your hands.

Finally, I think it is totally smart to tout your products as “mom approved” because dads would never approve that crap. Not in a million years. Truth in advertising lives!

Sincerely,
Fatherhood

Sometimes, the most important step in getting your kids back on track is admitting that you have a problem on your hands. And as long as your admitting that you have a problem, why not admit it to the whole universe? Or the universe of basic cable, anyway.

The production company that creates the show is casting families now. Do you think that your family drama is cable ready, and you are looking to be Nannified? Then direct your attention to the information below.

CASTING FOR AMERICA’S SUPERNANNY:

Los Angeles, CA – The hit parenting series AMERICA’S SUPERNANNY is currently casting families for the next season of the show. The casting team is sending producers Bakersfield to find families interested in receiving personalized advice for their unique situation.

This season producers are searching for families with unique circumstances and challenges. Deborah Tillman has an extraordinary ability to identify and tackle the toughest issues facing America’s families today.  Come meet the casting team at the event below:

OPEN CALL INFO

Interested parents can call (877) NANNY TIME (1-877-626-6984)
or  323-904-4680 ext 1050 for more information.

E-mail the CALIFORNIA Casting Team directly at: amccue@shedmediaus.com
Anonymous submissions accepted

Follow the America’s Supernanny casting team at @USASupernanny

Criteria: Who: Stay-at-home fathers with 2 or more children Location: Midwest Online Application Process: Name: City: Phone: Email address: Your story: (how long have you been a stay at home dad, how has the adjustment been, what did you do before and what is a typical day like for you) Snapshot of entire family: Wife’s Profession: Any notable parenting groups or orgs you are part of: Please send your submissions or questions to: nextideacasting@gmail.com

By the way, be careful what you wish for. Way back in the Stone Age, DadLabs had a deal with the largest producer of unscripted shows on cable to make a “docu-soap” about our lives. We had some great meals with execs, they sent a crew down to follow us around for a few days, and ten cut together a sizzle reel. We were all very excited by the prospect of what a show would do for our business, a bit more sanguine about what it would do for our kids.

The stuff shot in the office and studio was super fun. It turned our little gig into even more of a sitcom than it usually is. The home stuff was complicated. Ever had family dinner with three cameras swirling around? For me, a voice started chattering in my head asking me if every word I said to my kids was authentic or some kind of a performance. I worried what that kind of multi dimensional life would do to the kids.

The most uncomfortable moment came when they asked to film me tucking my daughter in. She was probably about 8 at the time. I read to her, tucked her in, turned out the light and kissed her good night, pretty much like I do to this day. Except with a camera and sound guy in the room. Then they asked if I could do it again, but this time, wait to turn out the light after I kissed her goodnight. I agreed, but again that voice warned me that I might be damaging the authenticity of my relationship with my daughter.

Obviously, we didn’t have to worry too much about it. Who would have guessed that a reality show based on our lives would not be hugely compelling? The producers shopped the show to all major cable networks. All recoiled in horror.

In retrospect, and at the risk of being “sour grapes,” I’m glad they did. Not that you shouldn’t try out for this show. And when you do, make sure they get footage of you visiting DadLabs. Maybe we could end up on reality TV after all.

There’s first words, potty training, and teething.  There’s first days of school, annoying girlfriends, annoying birthday parties and detention…because he was annoying.  There all these things that I will watch him suffer through, I CAN protect him from some things.  And some of these things are bad movies and bad television shows.  My compiled list is as followed:

Star Wars Episodes I, II, III – Sorry folks, they don’t exist in my house.  They add nothing to the Star Wars legacy.  They actually take away from the glory that was Star Wars Episodes IV, V, VI.  I will start with Episode IV in this house and when he asks about I, II, III I’ll say…maybe if you had enough midi-chlorians I would.

Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull – I had to suffer through this.  You had suffer through this.  You could tell Harrison Ford had to suffer through this.  Why should Declan suffer through this?  Heck, I have my reservations about Temple of Doom, but it’s still a million times better than the Nuke the Fridge scene or Shia Labeouf swinging with the monkeys.  And speaking of Shia LaBeouf…

Transformers 1, 2, 3 – I don’t really have to explain myself right? I mean, these movies are pretty bad.  I remember getting so upset in the first movie when it took an hour for Optimus Prime to show up…an hour! I almost cried and I’m a grown man.  That’s frustrating.  Anyway, there is only one Transformers movie.  That is the 1986 Transformers: The Movie animated film. If I have to let my kid be marketed to by Hasbro, he might as well get a decent story along with it.  And I’m not against Michael Bay.  I like other Michael Bay movies, like The Rock and…er…The Rock.  And speaking of Michael Bay…

Michael Bay’s Teenage Alien Ninja Aliens or Alien Turtles – I know this movie hasn’t come out yet, but WTF…really…aliens?  Thank god for the early 90s movies.  Even Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III: Turtles in Time is starting to look better.

Anything past Superman 2 – I don’t really like Superman anyway.  He’s too perfect, but I guess that’s the point. Superman I was good, but Superman II was the bomb!  All the others…ugh… and Superman Returns was about Superman being a lousy father in the end.  He just flies off and leaves his son.  Like I want Declan to see Superman as a lousy father.

X-Men 3: The Last Stand – Talk about ruining a franchise.  Imagine Declan’s surprise when he witnesses that train wreck.

Matrix 2 and 3 – Much like the Star Wars prequels, these Matrix sequels down right ruin the whole concept of the Matrix.  They just crush the ideology of a brilliant idea because somebody wanted to make money.

As Many Reality Shows As Possible – There is nothing valuable about watching celebrities sit around or 13 shows about cake bosses with their midget pitbosses collecting junk from others while trying to sell or remodel their house.

Dora The Explorer – Listen, if I want to jam Spanish down my kids throat, I’ll do it myself thank you very much.

That’s all I can think of for now, but I’m sure when he starts getting interested in movies and shows, I will have a new list to compile.

And I’m not an Elitist, I just don’t want him to waste his time with crap.